Hey everyone! I'm sorry for the lack of posts but I have been to Dresden over the weekend for a seminar and important business stuff. I don't have much pictures but like to write down a bit this time as I have learned a very important thing about a specific topic and myself. But first of all a bit about these days:
I met so much lovely people there and had a really great time despite that I haven't seen much of Dresden. I was in a near village where I had to go by tram and bus.
On Saturday evening we had a little sightseeing walk through the city to check out a few famous places. It was dark and gloomy, yet so beautiful to see these huge buildings by night. All these squiggling details on the walls full of history and beauty, just so breathtaking. After that we hung out in Neustadt in a bar called "Das Wohnzimmer" for some cocktails and talks. I can't believe how quick the time passed by. I was so excited and afraid at the beginning but I feel how strong it has made me and how much I missed having people around me.
Now I'm waiting for a result from the seminar. No matter how it will turn out, these days were so helpful and eye-opening anyway :)
If you follow me for a while already you probably know about my social anxiety and tendencies to a panic disorder. I never got diagnosed but it's quite obvious. I have always been a very shy person, an observer. Over the time it got worse, especially concerning my loneliness so the shyness turned into anxiety and panic. Either that silent girl who is afraid to speak or the hyperactive lady, being crazy and burbles nonstop like a waterfall. I was always angry at myself for being quiet and calm but have realized that I am just like this and I can't change anything about it, maybe I don't even want to. As kid I was very open to people, still in grade school but that has changed when I came into the middle school. I got judged there when I tried to speak, my voice too silent so I either got ignored or bullied. But it's part of my personality and I wouldn't be myself without these features.
There are those few people where I can just be the person which I am deep inside, my true self, go crazy and funny and feel pure happiness, I'm back in my childhood. Then there's the other me, careful and quiet, the observer, and there's nothing wrong with that, completely the opposite as this gives me an important balance and I start to see the positive aspects in both situations.
If you look into groups of people or in your school class there's always a specific allocation between each person and their personalities. I'm talking about observers and participants. Some who always want to be in the middle, others prefer to stay away and just chill and think. The important thing is that you are a part of the whole group and no matter where you are, that place simply belongs to you. It's your special position, the one is made for you. What I want to tell you with all that is that in case you struggle with similar things, try to accept the way you are and the place where you belong to. Back in time I couldn't decide between being the participant, the person in the middle of the squad or to have a position as observer. I still can't but I enjoy the situations which change from day to day. I think much, don't talk often but when I do I can't stop anymore. I love writing instead, just writing down what's in my head. Collecting it for the future, for myself and for other people. I can be the one and real me when I'm with my best friends and I have accepted my quiet other side who is just careful and loves to gain knowledge just through looking and listening.
And if you ever get judged for being quiet and silent, let them talk. Remember everything has its benefits and also observers are full of wisdom and knowledge. You also change over the time, you can become more confident, sometimes weak but it doesn't mean you are a weak person and that it lasts forever. Situations or happenings influence us, no matter if positive or negative, we will always learn something from it.
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Dein Blogeintrag ist total schön geworden. Du hast schon recht damit, dass man erst sehr spät merkt, wer man ist und dass man sich nicht für andere bzw. niemanden ändern sollte. Es geht oft auch nicht oder man rückt immer mehr von seiner eigenen Persönlichkeit ab. In der Schule ist sowas leider wirklich sehr problematisch, da man dort generell in die Klauen seiner Mitschüler gerät. Wenn man älter wird, so ist mein Eindruck, gibt man immer mehr "fucks" zu dem, was dir andere vorleben, aufzwingen oder raten wollen. Das bist nicht du!
ReplyDeleteNaja, ich musste gerade lange nachdenken, als ich das gelesen habe. Wie oft man sich dann wohl unnötig "falsch" fühlt? :D Die Menschheit ist sehr anstrengend.
Tausend Dank an dich ♥ Es freut mich immer wirklich wenn jemand meine Gedankengänge ließt und sich auch anschließend selbst darüber Gedanken macht.
DeleteIch wollte mich nie für jemanden ändern und habe es zum Glück auch nicht gemacht, nur habe ich mir schon immer meine Umwelt sehr stark aufgenommen und dadurch versucht Dinge zu erklären, wobei ich mir oft viel eingeredet habe.
Mit den "fucks" hast du es auf den Punkt getroffen, genau so ist es nämlich :) Weil man immer mehr und mehr über sich selbst lernt je älter man wird. Das wollte ich mit meinen Worten auch verdeutlichen, weil ich viele junge Mädchen sehe die sich einfach so fertig machen und an sich selbst zweifeln. Auch wenn ich vielleicht damit nichts komplett ändern kann, auch gar nicht erwarte, auch wenn es nur ein Moment ist in dem ich jemandem beruhigen oder helfen kann, das ist mir schon sehr viel wert.
Die Menschheit ist wirklich sehr anstrengend, aber es gibt viele Wege sich die Welt schöner zu machen, oder eine eigene Welt zu schaffen in der man sich wohl fühlt, in der wo man die fucks gibt und sich auf die schönen Dinge konzentriert ♥
You are my inspiration Kimi! I am so shy too and i almost die when i must read or do something with a lot of people watching me, and the worst thing is that i am only 15 so i have to do these things at school everyday. When i read your blog i feel that you really understand me! and that is awesome because i don't have a lot of friends. Oh and you remind me to my grandma, she was german and beautiful like you. My english is not so good sorry, i'm from Argentina :)
ReplyDeleteWow I'm so speechless really, but in a positive way. I didn't know about that before and I'm so thankful that you share your honest thoughts with me.
DeleteI felt exactly the same back in school and it hurts me to read that you have to go through it now. But to the other side I know that it's getting better, so one day you will become strong enough and you look back like I do right now. I'm sure we both will always have problems with such situations but that is totally normal and okey ♥ What also surprised me is that you know that you are young with 15 and you still appreciate it what becomes rarer with each generation. But you speak so wise already and that's why I see your strength and your beautiful soul.
I also don't have much friends but I never had and this is absolutely fine. The more you love and trust the ones you have ♥
Your English is absolutely fine! It's so cute to know that I remind you to your grandma :') Again, you are so sweet and thanks a million times for speaking to me. Much love and hugs to Argentina and to your grandma ♥
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ReplyDeleteHello Kimi.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that I didn't write any comment on your posts in the past few weeks, but I have to now.
I actually don't really know what to write, or where to begin, but One thing I really want to say is that You're very strong... Okay, you're not only that of course, and it maybe seem a little meaningless to say, but You're a very special person and there are only a few like you. I'm glad you had a good time in Dresden and it means a lot to me that you can accept yourself and be happy, because I really care a lot about you. I understand what you've been going through and still have to deal with, but I know that you can have the life you dream of, because of your strongness and your personality. Just always stay you, even if it sometimes doesn't feel right (if you ever feel bad, just contact me somehow, because I'm always here for you), but you are, as I said many times, just a wonderful and magnificent human being. I wish you all the best for today and for the following days. x