"Cold bones. Yeah, that's my love
She hides away, like a ghost."
Rose Body - Minga London
Whenever I feel upset, depressed, lonely or empty I am one of those people who simply start to hide away from everyone and everything. Being quiet, not speaking much, not texting at all, constantly keeping the head down looking on the ground. An empty mind, yet so full of thoughts, a repetition of a voice telling you everything you do is wrong. Sometimes I lose my motivation completely. Both, physically and mentally. My body feels heavy but weightless and numb at the same time. But there's also a rush of inspiration and creativity reaching out me. I feel the need to write out my soul. And to me this is the solution and key to be a successful artist and writer. It's the sadness and pain deep within us that inspires people, drives us to share it with the world no matter if we can reach someone or not. Writing simply releases the pain that got stuck in your brain. Back in time I used to put this pain into cutting or hurting myself. It didn't relieved me completely so I stopped quickly and started to write down and share my thoughts. It may won't be the only way to get rid of all feelings. I love pain so much it's strange. Like I don't deserve anything. It' doesn't bother me getting slapped or scraped, I truly enjoy it. I enjoy it because it reminds me of being alive. Now hurt my mental feelings, burn the love between us and you can feel my cold heart. White hair and pale skin, underneath the frail bones and a heart slow and frozen. Every flame which is trying to give it some heat goes out and evolves it back into stone.
My past hit me hard and now I carry it with me. I've lost all the trust in people. The only one left I can trust is actually myself so I protect it with the wall I built up piece by piece. Hurtful words don't really hit me at all as they shatter like glass when they're touching the surface.
I was kind of talking about that on this picture before already where I answered the question about my strong confidence. This here is another way to explain where it actually comes from.
We all have own different ways to go through moody phases. Whether we live with a cold or warm heart, the flow of inner vibes is still with us and finding out how to live with it and to control the heat for keeping a balance is one thing I personally still need to learn. Don't worry if you don't know it yet, you are young. You go through different phases by time and you'll learn more and more, step by step. Before changing something you need to realize what is going on in your head. It's like you can't speak about one topic before having knowledge on it. You can't swim without knowing how to control the element. But what you can and have to do is to try. Try it harder and stronger for another time till you master it. From fail to fail until reaching success.
And even if sometimes I act like I don't care at all, hiding away being silent or completely gone, yes it still hurts, deep within my soul where there's sitting a little girl with her cuddly toy, crying and calling for her lost mom that left her years ago somewhere alone on the cold, stony ground.
Your photos and writings are beautiful : ) It sucks when those weird moods seem to come out of nowhere.
ReplyDeleteThank you Diana. I know it's annoying and weird too. But, we need it. And if we would live without those moods something would be wrong. I think everyone just handles it differently. Some people feel it more, some less intense. And for being someone like myself, an observer who strongly believes in vibes and energy it is something I can catch up very easily. Especially when you are honest with your feelings, means, I just find it hard to hide them. So I tend to hide myself instead.
DeleteI know those feelings and I am mostly the same. When I am in a bad phase again I don't really want to call my friends and rely on them - on the on hand it's because I was hurt a lot in the past by people I considered friends. They used my mental health status against me or just were horrible... while I can understand it that it is hard to deal with a mentally sick friend (I know this myself), how you deal with them is up to you and shatter someone because you are fed up with their, I quote my ex-best friend on this, "depressing bullshit" is... is not something people should do. On the other hand I am concerned about the people around me, I know that a lot of my closest friends do have mental health issues just like me so I don't tell them about my feelings, because I am afraid of triggering them or anything like that (+ I'm afraid that they'll throw me away when they don't want to deal with my shit anymore). That is why I can understand you, I bottle it up all the time too. Even though it is not healthy at all for me. What I want to say is, I can relate a lot to what you wrote. But you wrote the only person you can trust is yourself and for me... it is not fitting, because I can't even trust myself most of the time. However this is a struggle that I have to deal with.
ReplyDeleteWhat made me write this comment is the fact that you wrote that writing helps and I completely forgot how therapeutic was for me. I used to write a lot of FanFiction when I was around fourteen and it felt so good to write. I even wrote my own small novel back then (which was deleted by my computer). I haven't written anything fictional or non-fictional since two years (besides my diary entries and they are not that long most of the time). That's why I write this comment, to tell you that I understand what you wrote and I am the same. But also that you kinda inspired me to write again myself and I really want to make my writing public even when the things I write are completely ridiculous. If I write in English or German is something I have to think about, however I think most of the time English but I am only afraid of writing in it because of my lack in vocabulary (not really a lack, but I constantly use the same words like "but", "also", "so", etc.).
Sorry, I kinda only talked about me. But thanks for this post, it came on the right day. This day was really shitty and now I wrote for an hour after reading this post, so yeah thanks for comforting me and making me feel better ♥
I will try to get better, I will fail until I reach success.
A thing I just want to add (again) : I love the way you write. Your writing style is really calming but also interesting, you never lose me even when there are really long blog posts.
Wow. Firstly I'm so so thankful for your comment, really. Please, whenever you feel the need to write or wanting to share your thoughts, please do it. There are so much people outside who have thoughts in their head but they're either too shy or afraid to share them or don't know how to put it into words. And having the ability and courage to write like you and me do is something we should be really proud of.
DeleteYou wrote some very important facts and situations that I can totally relate too. We don't want to hurt or 'annoy' people and friends around us with our problems. We know they probably just want to help yes, but deeply we know we have to deal with it for ourselves in the end. I think the fact when I noticed that in the end the best help and cure is to realize you are your own healer in the end changed me a lot and gave me trust in myself. To one hand it is very good, to the other you start to push people away again when you notice they 'get too close to you so they might hurt you', if you understand.
Again I think it is important to find a balance between that. And I'm absolutely sure everyone will. Some need more, some need less time. I tend to realize and learn things quickly. And when you need longer it is totally okey. Seeing that you already know yourself and the situation is the most important step and you are at a very young age, whereto you can be proud of to be so wise already.
I don't know about FanFiction but it sounds really interesting. You should really think about to go back to it or find another place to write, no matter if it's public, on a website or blog or if you keep it safe in your own diary.
Don't worry about your English at all, it is amazing!! Write in English, German or whatever fits you the best. I could write in German too but somehow I feel better writing in English, it's strange. German has much more intense and detailed words but having an audience all over the world also makes me wanting to write it in English so everyone can understand it.
Talk about you as much as you want, I truly enjoy it really. People are so interesting to me and I love to hear about their stories. Write out your soul because it makes you feeling better. And listening to you makes me really happy ♥
Have a beautiful weekend little angel and remember you can always come back to me whenever you feel bad about something, need advice or just an open ear. I'm here for you ♥ Thank you for everything once again. It truly made my day ♥
Dear Kimi,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all thank you for this post! I, myself usually feel lost and unmotivated. Fortunately, now I'm having a good period. But when I feel bad/depressed, I like it then and want to be deep in it. Because that's the time when I'm creative and love writing, too. Also it drags me down, I don't know why, but I'm sure you can relate.
And honestly, things happened to me too, but I don't think so they're that 'special', I don't consider myself as unfortunate, I truly believe I have people around me whom I can trust in, at least 1 or 2. But somewhy I have this periods and I don't like to complain, either. Cause I don't think I have a reason for do it so. Though it's hard to control those feelings when you don't want to be alive.
Even though, now I don't have all the appropriate thoughts about this topic as much as I have them when I'm down on this rollercoster. Though I'm glad because these days mean to me that I've learned, I've tried and somehow I'm starting to know how to maintain these good days. I feel motivated and excited about my upcoming events.
But as you wrote above in the comments it's sometimes hard to explain everything with words and writing your feelings and thoughts down, so I guess that's all for now. It felt good to write it down and let you know :) even if I'm not in that mood, it was good and very inspiring to read your post. I'm sorry that you're absolutely lost your trust, but at least you know how to trust in yourself and that's very good❤
Lots of love and be brave❤
What can I write... First of all, Very beautifully written. I understand Everything. You possess great knowledge on (things like) this, even if You Yourself don't feel or think like that. I am glad that You have found writing as a way to express You(r Soul). Especially, because You first used this 'power' to hurt Yourself, which is Terrible! I know how Hard things are and can be, but I also know and feel that You can beat these things, all of them. Failing doesn't mean that They have won, it doesn't mean 'Giving Up', it means that You have become stronger and are able to beat the things with even more Grace.
ReplyDeleteI started writing this on the 7th of August, and I still don't know entirely what or how I could write. I'm sorry... -
I understand your 'Love' for Pain, but I still do not hope that You will experience pain or being hurt many times more in the Future. Of course it's not good to only have Positivity in Your Life, because these Painful moments are there to make You stronger... (Unfortunately?).
You may act as if the Hurtful words and things don't hit You, but that's not true of course. As also is written in the Last paragraph. And that's OKAY. You are a Soul, a very Strong and Marvellous Soul. Your Soul can feel so much, and try to let the feelings out, even when they are Sad. I am not saying not to act Strong anymore, 1. because that's simply impossible (for You are already incredibly Strong), but 2. accept whenever You feel that You can not keep in the Sadness or Pain. Let Yourself be Free and don't hold it in Yourself, You don't have to express Yourself in public, but be honest with Yourself and treat Yourself carefully and gently. You are truly Magnificent, as I have written many times already... But every time I am telling You the truth, I am trying to make You believe what I know, about You... I don't know You as You know Yourself, but I do understand You, and I admire how You think and feel.
I wish I could have written more and more deeply, It is difficult to put thoughts into words... not because I find writing hard, but these Human words are not 'enough/special' to show my thoughts to/about You.
I hope You're feeling well, try to do things that You enjoy and do not push Yourself, ever. It's okay if You don't feel Good all the time, it's sad... but Life is not Good (all the time). It might feel as if Everything is Stupid and Worthless, or that You are Worthless, but that's not true! You are stronger than these thoughts, You can scare them off and live Your Life YOUR WAY. I will forever be here for You. I struggle as well, with a lot of things... but I will always do my best for You. I promise. I love You.
x
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ReplyDeleteI also wanted to 'reply' to all the other People who commented on this post... I am very proud of You, All. I know and understand what You were/are going through, and even though I don't know You.. I know that You are Strong as well. You are all Beautiful Creatures who deserve a Good Life. I promise that You will have this Good Life. Maybe these Bad/Depressed thoughts will come back during this Life, but that does not mean that it becomes a Bad Life. Don't let Life, or Anything/Anyone else, let You down. They do not deserve the strength/energy of Your Powerful Spirit. Let them be, and spend time with what/who You want to spend time with. You decide Your Life, No one or Nothing else does or can. Diana Free, Kassia Lie, LILOO_100.
and.. One more thing. You are all very Thoughtful and Intelligent. Please try to do whatever You enjoy doing, no matter what others might think of it. Nothing that You create (etc.) is Bad, even if You like it is. Be proud of Yourself. I know it is difficult, but I also know that You can do it.
Diana,
I hope You don't experience these Weird moods very often, but whenever You do... It is no problem. It is completely normal and fine. Of course It's not nice, but don't let the Moods take over You. Try to take advantage of them, maybe You can turn the Bad moods into Good ones. I believe in You, and that You are capable of whatever.
Kassia, I am glad that writing is something that can make You feel better. Your writing is most definitely not Ridiculous, I promise. But.. if it is, what does that matter!? If You like it, that's all that matters! Being Ridiculous or Weird or Strange or Anything like this Is not Bad, at all. It means that Something is Unique, Divine, Rare. Most people are the same, and are in shock whenever they see Something or Someone who isn't like them, but let them be Shocked, as long as You feel Good doing what You enjoy, there's Nothing Bad happening.
LILOO_100,
How wonderful it is... that You think the way You do! It's beautiful, and just shows (even more) how extremely Powerful and Special You are. !
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I'm so sorry... that this is so long and that it took Me so long to write... I am probably very annoying, as well... I tried my best to write what I wanted to, but I am not satisfied. I am very anxious, but I feel that I had to comment on this post - and to also reply on the other comments. >-<. So Sorry.
Dream Uni,
DeleteThank you!
At first, you're not annoying at all. I honestly appreciate your comment. I've seen that you often comment on Kimi's posts and I think you always have something meaningful to say. I know, it's hard to explain your thoughts, I know that words aren't always enough and can't express what you feel. But you write your heart/soul out and I feel your honesty and that's beautiful and awesome! Thanks a lot that you wrote to us, other followers, that's very kind. I'm glad you communicate with us, so we can communicate with you. The best thing in it that we're similar in a certain way and that's good to know that there are people who can understand an important part of us. I wouldn't like to say much about the real topic of your comments because for that I'd need more time (I think you can relate on this),I just want you to know that you are very brave and powerful, too. And I wish you good luck to keep going in life. I hope you know that you are a powerful and important Soul in the world, too and you're valuable a lot!
One more thing that I can relate to your anxiety in commenting because I always feel the struggle that I've failed in expressing myself in these 'short' messages.