And Sometimes... It Is Too Late

I share this here now because Instagram is not made for such long texts in the caption it didn't fit. So for those who were worried about my story last night I wanted to explain you what did happen. Firstly I am fine don’t worry. I really appreciate all your messages so thank you for that again you are the sweetest 🖤

I said that I regret something the first time in my life. Well, regret is a big statement and my attitude towards this topic is 

„Never regret anything in life“. 

This was just what popped up into my mind at 2 a.m. in the night so I wrote straight out but would like to take it back here now. However it hasn’t changed anything about what did happen and what this happening has changed within myself. It also reminded me of something within my family which I won’t feel like sharing though as it’s very personal. 

Now coming to the point - A year ago I saw this post of a special blogger and insanely talented artist who I’ve been following on social media for years before she vanished from the internet with a last post which said that she took her own life. Maybe some of you know who I’m talking about. For me it was quite clear it is not true, yet I was aware that she’s going through a very hard time and respected her decision. Last night I found a recent post of her best friend from a couple days ago, which speaks for itself, but she’s dead for real this time. She committed suicide on December 15th. So this only itself broke my heart as she’s a fucking talented artist who I admired since forever. Afterwards I watched a video she published a few month’s ago explaining what has happened before and it simply feels unreal. Now let me tell you something: A while ago before everything went down she was on a dance tour within Germany. She had a gig in a small town close to my city. I texted her and told her that I really wanna go asking if she would be also up for a personal meeting. She was excited, wanted me to come, invited me and the only thing I needed to do was to book a bus and to just go there. But I didn’t. 

Why? Because I was scared. Because I was afraid to just do it. Agoraphobia was screaming at me, my social anxiety put me under pressure. And now, now she’s dead. And all what I wanted was to speak to her about life, art and philosophy. About this whole goddamn planet with its crazy people and beautiful places. From artist to artist, us passionate writer souls. And now she’s gone, being somewhere in another dimension. No chance to speak to her again.

Long story short, this made me realize that the only thing I’m truly mad about myself is this fucking anxiety. And I won’t let it control me anymore. I made such huge steps within this year 2018. I went to New York as well to London a few times, met people I never talked to in person before. I flew to Paris where I had a stage act at an exhibition, went to a festival even if I had no idea what or who to expect. I changed my job a couple of times, tried out new things, got out of my comfort zone. Left my partner even I knew it was a hurtful decision, lost friends but new stepped into my life which are safely in my heart now. Things simply come and go. All these things might sound little to you, but for me it is such a huge step, at the same time still not enough for the confident soul in me with its huge goals and dreams. Yet, very important I'd like to add once more that things got so much better over the years I can really feel it. And you can, no you WILL too! Today looking back I would just take that bus, I would just do it. So here we have another positive aspect of this story as you can reflect yourself seeing how things have improved over the time.

For the next year I promise myself I say yes twice. I've missed so many interviews, meetings, chances to get to know new people, even invitations to TV shows and actor roles in movies just by saying no due my anxiety. I’m not insecure, I love myself, but this is one thing I truly hate and can’t change within a second but need to learn throughout the years by making steps toward the opposite. If you struggle with anxiety yourself you need to learn to live with it. Make it to a friend. Anxiety and excitement feels very similar. In most cases you are simply excited for something, remember.

Keep in mind when you are old, sitting in an old swing chair while looking back on your life, the things you wanted to do, the adventures you wanted to go on, the dreams and goals you wanted to achieve. Nothing feels worse than realizing you can’t manage it anymore due health issues or in lack of time. Don’t dream but do it. Fight for it. Life is so short but there’s enough time to make things happen!! 

💜